Wife jokes!!!

Wife:          What are you doing?

Husband:        Nothing.

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage 

                certificate for an hour.'

Husband:       'I was looking for the  expiry  date.'

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Wife  :       'Do you want dinner?'

Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife:         'Yes or no.'

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Wife:  'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife:  'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can

there be greater than this one?'

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Girl:  'When we get married, I want to share all

your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told

me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:

 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER

WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do

 you like most in me, my pretty face

 or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

I like your sense of humour!'

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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later

 the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an

even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining

consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

wife replied:  'Your Horse phoned!!!

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Different Opinions about Different Wives

1. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

3. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

4. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

5. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does
a woman want?

Dumas

6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

7. 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

8. 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking.. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

9. 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

10. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

12.  You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

13.  My wife and I were happy for twenty
years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

14.  A good wife always forgives her
husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

15.  A man inserted an 'ad' in the
classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

16. First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous


3 Answers Men Are Afraid Of

1. (Whatever)

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.
Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?
Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..
2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.
Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?
Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)

Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.
Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything

And the fight started......

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

*************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...

*************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
*******************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
********************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .

**********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

*********
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
********
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissoors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
And then..

Would you get married again?

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....

Family Problems

Two men sitting in the bar:
1st man I have lots of family problems:
2nd I will tell you mine first:
I married to a widow with a daughter,
My father married that daughter,
So my father becomes my son in law,
my daughter becomes my mother,
my wife becomes my grandmother.
More problem occured when I had a son,
now my son is my mother's brother & my uncle ( mama) too.
Situation worsens further when my father had a Son,
Now my father's son is my brother & my grand son too:
Ultimately I have become my own grand father & grand son.
&
you are saying you have family problems>>>>>>>>>