Obedient Game
The mother of many children lined up her family.
"The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he's told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week."
"It's not fair," said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. "Daddy' will win easily."
"The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he's told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week."
"It's not fair," said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. "Daddy' will win easily."
Blood Group
Doctor to patient: Aapka aur aapki biwi ka Blood Group ek hi hai?
Patient: Hoga jarur hoga;
25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai
Patient: Hoga jarur hoga;
25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai
Bravery: Guts vs Balls
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death
You scared the daylights out of me
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.....
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.....
GETTING INTO FIGHTS
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn’t been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
“Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.”
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o’clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
“Wake up, it’s 6 o’clock!”
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
“Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.”
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o’clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
“Wake up, it’s 6 o’clock!”
Marriage - A life sentence
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Fried Eggs!
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
A missing person
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
mummy is silent
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Husband and Wife
Wife: kaash main newspaper hoti din bhar tumhare hathon me rehti.
Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti
Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti
fastest means of communication
First Sardar Ji: What are the fastest means of communication ?
Second Sardar Ji: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
Second Sardar Ji: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
SMS JOKES
Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?
Aftr robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?
Aftr robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!
Sharing
A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married, we came to an agreement to share. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”
“But do you know what I just realized?”
“In 60 years of marriage I don’t think we have never needed to make a major decision.”.
At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married, we came to an agreement to share. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”
“But do you know what I just realized?”
“In 60 years of marriage I don’t think we have never needed to make a major decision.”.
Relatives of yours
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
4 Mothers and their sons
FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third
Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome,
6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a
room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!
wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third
Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome,
6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a
room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!
Men
Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife."
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife."
Can you spare a dollar
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?”
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”
“No,” says the bum.
The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?”
Again the bum says, “No.”
So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”
“No,” says the bum.
The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?”
Again the bum says, “No.”
So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Sheep theory
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Misunderstanding with the B.C.
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant,
especially in language. She and her husband were planning a trip to Florida so
she wrote to a campground they planned to visit and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite
know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to
write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashion term
"bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was
being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode
simply as the "B.C."
"Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the
letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about!
That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile,
he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady
meant, either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking
about the location of the local Baptist church, the owner sat down and wrote the
following reply:
"Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late.
My daughter met her husband at the B.C. The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were
there. Sometimes it is so crowded that there are five to a seat. It may interest
you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it is surely not do to lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you.
especially in language. She and her husband were planning a trip to Florida so
she wrote to a campground they planned to visit and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite
know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to
write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashion term
"bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was
being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode
simply as the "B.C."
"Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the
letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about!
That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile,
he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady
meant, either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking
about the location of the local Baptist church, the owner sat down and wrote the
following reply:
"Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late.
My daughter met her husband at the B.C. The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were
there. Sometimes it is so crowded that there are five to a seat. It may interest
you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it is surely not do to lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you.
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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